There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
