My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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