Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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