Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
