I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
