bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
