The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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