I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My feet surprised me
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
