so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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