the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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