I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
