My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
