dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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