u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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