you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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