You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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