Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
