he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Randomize
