Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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