1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
