Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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