I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
