Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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