Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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