we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
