Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
