the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
