Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
