You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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