Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
