I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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