A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
