Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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