I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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