You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
