how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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