i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize