Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
