I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
