I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
