I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
