So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
