the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
