i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
