haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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