I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
