I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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