Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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