Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
