I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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