My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
me + whiskey = a bad person
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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