meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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