i need an iv and a liver transplant
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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