I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
