My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
