I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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