butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
