textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
