i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
