Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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