You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
