Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
