i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
