can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
